NEED TO KNOW
- Trump spokeswoman Karoline Leavitt called accusations of profiteering “absurd.”
- Moments later, Trump PAC launched a new line of $95 “Presidential Performance” golf towels.
- Trump has monetized everything from mugshots to Bibles.
Totally Normal Presidency Features Towel Merch and Courtroom Fundraisers
In what many are calling the boldest denial since O.J. wrote “If I Did It,” Trump spokeswoman Karoline Leavitt declared, with a straight face and possibly a sponsored lapel pin, that “it is absurd for anyone to insinuate that this president is profiting off of the presidency.”
Within hours, Trump’s campaign store quietly dropped a limited-edition towel set, branded with the presidential seal and the phrase “Make America Wipe Again,” retailing for $94.99 or “just three easy donations of $31.67.”
The towels are reportedly hand-stitched by former White House interns and come pre-soaked in selective memory.
Monetizing the Oval, One Conviction at a Time
Since reclaiming the White House, Trump has rolled out a dizzying array of presidential side hustles, including:
- Bible endorsements (“Now with 25% more Revelations!”)
- Gold sneakers made for people who believe financial planning is a deep-state hoax
- NFTs featuring Trump riding a velociraptor while holding the Constitution like a taco
When pressed on these items, Leavitt clarified, “These are commemorative artifacts of a movement. And also great for weddings.” His online store, TrumpStore.com, also sells 45-47 merchandise and Trump 2028, presidential themed Trump swag for only the MAGAst of fans.
Critics note that Trump’s legal defense fund is now offering tiered memberships. For $500, you get a digital thank-you video. For $5,000, you’re legally considered one of his children for tax purposes.
“Absurd” Is Just the Starting Point
Leavitt’s statement came during a press scrum outside the White House, where she accused the media of “weaponizing capitalism” and suggested Trump’s brand was a sacred expression of democratic commerce.
When asked if the president sees any of the profits, Leavitt replied, “Absolutely not. All proceeds go toward restoring America and renovating the Mar-a-Lago buffet.”
Meanwhile, a new Trump business venture titled Presidential Pardons & Pancakes has reportedly begun development, offering a loyalty program where every fifth conviction gets you free syrup.
Quote of the Moment
It’s not profiteering if your name is on everything. That’s just advanced branding
MAGA supporter interviewed at a Trump-branded flea market in Florida
