Trump Flees Epstein Questions, Lands in Scotland to Negotiate Golf Cart Tariff With EU

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Trump says he’s “not hiding,” just “negotiating bunkers with Brussels.”
Presidential visit includes both golf clubs, two trade deals, and zero courtrooms.
Scottish locals confused by Trump’s claim that “Scotland is basically Alabama with better accents.”

President Donald Trump touched down in Turnberry, Scotland this week, declaring, “I just needed to clear my head somewhere with less extradition and more bagpipes.”

Reporters asked if the trip was a distraction from the Epstein drama. Trump laughed and pointed to his itinerary. “This isn’t an escape,” he said. “It’s a global economic mission to lower tariffs on golf carts and increase confusion.”

At a brief press stop, Trump praised Scotland’s terrain. “Great grass, zero subpoenas,” he said. “If you think about it, it’s the perfect country. No one asks about planes, names, or logs.”

He plans to meet with UK Prime Minister Keir Starmer, Scottish First Minister John Swinney, and possibly “the ghost of Sean Connery, if time allows.”

Meanwhile, locals lined the roads with signs like “Keep Your Deals, Leave the Names” and “No Par for Predators.” One man tried to deliver a subpoena via drone but was tackled by a man in a kilt.

Despite mounting pressure back home, Trump remains defiant. “This is what presidents do,” he said. “You play a little golf, you dodge a few journalists, you maybe draw a fake tariff map for Ursula von der Leyen.”

As protests grew louder, Trump remained calm. “This is nothing,” he said. “Back in Florida, my lawn guy asks tougher questions.”