NEED TO KNOW
- President Trump announced he is restoring the original names of military bases that honored Confederate officers.
- He cited superstition, nostalgia, and “winning tradition” as reasons for undoing bipartisan renaming efforts.
- Critics say honoring traitors to the Union doesn’t boost morale, but Trump insists “these bases know how to win.”
Back to the Good Old Bad Names
Speaking at what is once again called Fort Bragg — a name change that took all of fifteen executive seconds — President Trump announced that seven more military bases will ditch their “woke names” and revert to their Confederate-era branding. According to Trump, this isn’t about politics. It’s about “keeping the magic going.”
“We won a lot of battles from forts named after guys who lost the big one,” Trump said. “You don’t change a lucky jersey in the playoffs. Why would you change a base name that’s been working for us since the 1800s?”
SecDef Finds a Loophole with Matching Last Names
Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth revealed a clever workaround to the Naming Commission’s recommendations. Rather than honoring Confederate generals outright, Hegseth identified completely unrelated American soldiers who coincidentally shared last names. Fort Lee, for example, could be “technically” named after some guy named Randy Lee who fought in Desert Storm.
“It’s not treason if the paperwork says ‘Randy’,” one Pentagon official whispered while holding a stack of retroactive valor citations printed on freshly aged parchment.
Rewriting History While Standing Next to a Tank
Trump, flanked by Special Forces troops and a very confused junior ROTC drummer, declared that “wokeness has no place in war,” and that Fort Bragg “just sounds cooler than Liberty.” He also mused about adding a gift shop to each base “to celebrate heritage and also sell bobbleheads.”
As Confederate statues stay in storage and renaming efforts across the country stall, the bases will resume their former identities—pending clearance from the Trump National Military Branding Task Force (aka Eric).
The South Shall Be Marketed Again
Trump’s team insists the move is not about glorifying the Confederacy, but about “owning the libs with historical typography.” However, critics including retired Army General Ty Seidule argue this overturns the bipartisan process of renaming bases to honor actual U.S. heroes.
Still, Trump remains unfazed: “These bases helped us win battles. So did the Confederates, in a way. You know, they had great flags. Great flags.”
ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US
MAGA
