NEED TO KNOW
- Trump calls Fed Chair Jerome Powell “stupid” for not cutting rates before the FOMC announcement
- Floats replacing Powell with a “real American” who once poured concrete at Mar-a-Lago
- Forgets he originally nominated Powell, insists he was “tricked by charts and khakis”
Trump Regrets Hiring the Guy He Hired
WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump torched Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell just hours before a key rate decision, calling him “stupid” and “probably the worst financial person ever who isn’t a bank teller.” Trump, who nominated Powell in 2017, now says he “never really liked his face” and “should’ve gone with the guy who tiled the Mar-a-Lago patio.”
“Powell is costing this country hundreds of billions,” Trump shouted outside the White House. “If I were Fed Chair, rates would be negative and the GDP would be taller than Barron. That’s just basic math.”
The Replacement Plan: Vibes, Grit, and Patio Credentials
Trump told reporters he was seriously considering replacing Powell with a former MAGA hat salesman named Wayne “Big Wrench” DiMarco, who once redid the stonework on a Trump property without using a level.
“He’s a true American. Never went to Wharton — just feels when money’s too expensive,” Trump said. “That’s what I need at the Fed: someone who doesn’t get distracted by decimals.”
Markets React to Idea of Unlicensed Monetary Policy
Stocks dipped slightly after Trump floated his self-appointment as Fed Chair, though they rebounded once analysts realized he forgot the Fed is not a Cabinet position.
“If he names himself to the job, does that mean rate changes happen on Truth Social?” asked one Goldman Sachs strategist. “Because we can’t model for ‘Just Feels Right Today, Dow -4%.’”
Trump vs. Powell: The Sequel No One Asked For
Despite originally selecting Powell to lead the central bank, Trump now claims Powell was “deep state all along” and “only ever cut rates when I yelled loud enough.” Powell, as usual, declined to comment, instead blinking slowly in Fed Reserve-ese.
When asked if he would actually appoint himself, Trump smiled. “Maybe I already did. Who’s going to stop me? Janet Yellen?”
Quote of the moment
He poured my patio in 2015 and said rates should be 1% — I’ve trusted him ever since
Donald Trump
