What You Need to Know
- Trump has officially ordered the reopening of Alcatraz.
- Clint Eastwood was invited to deliver remarks and gave a powerful speech to an unoccupied solitary confinement cell.
- The move is part of Trump’s “tough-on-crime, soft-on-budget-reality” platform heading into 2024.
Alcatraz, the legendary prison once home to the likes of Al Capone and Machine Gun Kelly, is officially back in business, thanks to Donald Trump and, apparently, Clint Eastwood’s ghost-of-a-chair reunion tour.
At the ribbon-cutting ceremony for what Trump dubbed “The Rock: Patriot Edition,” Clint Eastwood stunned the crowd by delivering a solemn, unscripted monologue to an empty solitary cell. “You’ve caused a lot of damage, haven’t you?” Eastwood growled, squinting at the concrete interior. “You thought you could escape accountability. But not anymore.”
The audience, mostly MAGA influencers and confused tourists who missed the last ferry back to San Francisco, erupted into a standing ovation. Trump, wiping away what may have been a tear or a splash of orange self-tanner, declared, “This might be the most powerful speech given to furniture since 2012.”
A Prison Fit for the Times
Trump’s plan to reopen Alcatraz came with little warning but maximum bravado. “We used to know how to deal with criminals,” he said. “You didn’t coddle them. You sent them to an island where they couldn’t tweet.”
He explained that the new Alcatraz will serve as a holding place for “the worst of the worst: gang members, violent offenders, people who leave shopping carts in parking lots, and maybe Hunter if we find the laptop again.”
Though the prison has been a National Park tourist attraction for decades, Trump promised to “rebrand it into something stronger, more American, and with far fewer park rangers in shorts.”
Features of the “New Rock”
Upgrades to the facility (still pending approval from any governing agency that matters) include:
- Solitary cells branded as “Free Speech Zones”
- 24/7 Tucker Carlson audio in the yard
- A MAGA commissary selling Trump steaks and MyPillow eye masks
- The Steve Bannon Block (insulation optional)
Eastwood reportedly wandered the halls between events, shaking his head at everything and muttering, “I escaped once… now I’m voluntarily back. What the hell happened to this country?”
Critics Cry Cruelty, Trump Calls It “Heritage”
Democrats and prison reform advocates were quick to condemn the plan. “This is absurd, dangerous, and legally questionable,” said Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. “You can’t just reopen Alcatraz like it’s a Bass Pro Shop.”
Trump supporters, however, are already buying commemorative “LOCK ‘EM ON THE ROCK” t-shirts and signing petitions to send Dr. Fauci, Rosie O’Donnell, and “that guy who delivers my mail late” to Cell Block D.
Closing Remarks
“Alcatraz is back, baby,” Trump shouted to cheers. “And it’s gonna be YUGE. The criminals won’t escape!”
Clint Eastwood gave one final nod to the cell, whispered “You’re the reason we can’t have nice things,” and walked off into the fog.
