What You Need to Know
- Trump announces a “tremendous” trade deal with the non-human inhabitants of Heard and McDonald Islands.
- The islands, home only to penguins, seals, and cold rocks, were targeted by Trump’s April tariffs.
- The “deal” reportedly includes fresh fish, exclusive iceberg rights, and “strong symbolic respect.”
In what is surely the most one-sided negotiation since Monopoly night at Mar-a-Lago, Donald Trump held a press conference today to declare a “huge, beautiful deal” with the penguins and seals of the remote Heard and McDonald Islands.
“These are tough negotiators,” Trump said. “Very cold, very silent, but strong. They didn’t say much, but they know I won. Everyone knows I won. Even the seals clapped.”
The islands, located in the southern Indian Ocean and famously uninhabited by humans, were bizarrely slapped with punitive tariffs last month as part of Trump’s renewed global trade crusade. At the time, experts speculated the move was either a clerical error or a distraction from actual news.
Today, Trump doubled down.
Terms of the Deal
The agreement, which Trump claims was finalized “after a long meeting with the penguin ambassador, a very elegant bird,” allegedly includes:
- Zero tariffs on mackerel exports
- An official “America First” flag planted on a glacier
- An “understanding” that future seal barking will be “respectful and not too aggressive”
- Mutual commitment to not recognize Biden’s presidency
Trump also stated that he had offered the islands “limited MAGA hat distribution,” though “the penguins prefer visors, which I totally respect.”
The World Reacts
The announcement left international observers baffled.
“This isn’t diplomacy. It’s performance art,” said one EU trade official. “He’s negotiating with animals. Literally.”
Meanwhile, PETA released a statement demanding to know if the penguins had legal representation. The Australian government, which technically oversees the islands, also weighed in: “We’re not sure what he’s talking about, but if the penguins are happy, we’re happy.”
Supporters Applaud
MAGA supporters quickly celebrated the announcement on Truth Social, where hashtags like #PenguinsForTrump, #SealTheDeal, and #IcebergRightsMatter began trending.
“I’m just glad he’s protecting our frozen borders,” one fan posted. “Can’t let liberal fish get in unchecked.”
Trump, seemingly emboldened by the victory, hinted that future targets may include Greenland, Antarctica, and “whoever keeps moving the North Pole left.”
Final Remarks
“The media said I couldn’t do it,” Trump declared at the conclusion of his speech. “They said, ‘You can’t win a trade war against penguins.’ But guess what? I just did.”
He then tried to shake hands with a seal. The seal slapped him with a flipper. Trump called it “a strong gesture of mutual respect.”
