What You Need to Know
• Vladimir Putin held a massive parade in Moscow featuring 11,000 troops, tanks, and nuclear missiles
• Ukrainian drone strikes and airport chaos partially upstaged the show
• Sources say Trump is demanding a bigger parade in D.C. for his birthday and wants Xi Jinping to attend
Moscow Flexes While Washington Plots
Vladimir Putin’s latest military spectacle may have been disrupted by Ukrainian drones and airport delays, but it still achieved its goal: irritating Donald Trump. According to sources close to the former president, he immediately began planning a “bigger, better, and more constitutionally confusing” parade for his upcoming birthday.
“Putin has nukes,” Trump said, “but I have patriotism, golf carts, and executive privilege.”
A Celebration of Tanks, Jets, and Thinly Veiled Jealousy
Trump’s dream event, rumored to be named “Trump Day USA,” includes fighter jet flyovers, gold-trimmed tanks, and at least one inflatable bald eagle the size of a small Marriott. He has requested that the tanks fire blanks timed to “Proud to Be an American” and that marching bands play the Apprentice theme on loop.
Reports also suggest he wants to ride into the event on a modified Humvee wrapped in his 2020 campaign decals. Aides are unsure how to balance parade logistics with his request for a “military flyby synchronized with cake delivery.”
Xi Jinping Tops the Guest List
Invitations have gone out to several world leaders, but Trump has reportedly circled President Xi’s name in Sharpie with the note, “Bring something cool.” He wants the event to double as a diplomatic flex and a subtle cry for validation.
Sources say Trump is especially excited for a potential “dual-leader selfie,” which he believes would “break every internet except China’s.”
D.C. Prepares for Chaos and Confetti
City officials are already scrambling to assess the impact of tanks on infrastructure. Last time, the White House lawn needed weeks of resodding. This time, planners hope to reroute around sensitive plumbing and any remaining public trust.
Meanwhile, MAGA vendors are preparing limited-edition birthday merch, including glow-in-the-dark tank tops that read, “Born to Rule, Paraded by Fate.”
