NEED TO KNOW
- White House cites “growth in the dissent economy” for record-low unemployment.
- New jobs include “Chant Coordination” and “Flag-Based Resistance Logistics.”
- Experts say the data is fabricated but “beautifully formatted.”
White House Hails ‘Dissent Economy’ as Job Creation Engine
The Bureau of Labor Statistics released new data Friday showing a sharp decline in unemployment, which the Trump administration attributed to “record growth in the protest labor force.” Officials described the boom as a sign that “patriotism and opposition can now coexist under the same payroll structure.”
According to the report, the “Paid Protestor Sector” added over 1.2 million new positions in the last quarter, driven by a surge in what economists now call “Freedom-Based Event Participation.” Subcategories include Chant Coordination, Poster Production, and March Logistics.
Experts Caution Numbers May Be ‘Mostly Spiritual’
Economists were quick to note inconsistencies in the data. One analyst at the University of Florida explained that “while no one is technically employed, the vibe of employment is undeniably strong.” Another suggested the figures were based on “emotional earnings,” a new metric developed by the White House Council of Statistical Feelings.
The administration defended its methodology, saying that unpaid volunteers still contribute to “gross national enthusiasm,” which it classifies as GDP-adjacent. The president’s economic advisor called it “the invisible hand clapping.”
Job Training Includes Anger Management and Confetti
The Department of Labor announced plans to expand certification programs for protest-based careers, offering credits in Placard Optimization and Advanced Megaphone Studies. A spokesperson described the curriculum as “a blend of democracy and cardio.”
Meanwhile, the Office of Management and Budget confirmed that several protest organizers now qualify for small business loans after listing “moral outrage” as their primary product.
When asked whether the numbers were accurate, a senior official shrugged. “Accuracy is overrated,” she said. “What matters is momentum, and right now America’s angry people are working harder than ever.”
Anger is the new infrastructure, and we’re finally investing in it.
Darlene Frist, Institute for Laborful Democracy
