NEED TO KNOW
- Donald Trump posts in all caps telling “everyone” to keep oil prices down or risk helping “the enemy.”
- Gas station owners, unsure if they’re included, lower prices out of sheer fear.
- Some stations install cardboard cutouts of Trump to avoid potential surveillance strikes.
America’s Gas Pumps Enter Full Compliance Mode
Following President Donald Trump’s furious all-caps directive to “EVERYONE” to keep Oil Prices down, gas station owners nationwide have gone into a full-blown price panic. With no clear guidance on who “everyone” is, operators from Sheboygan to Sacramento took no chances, reducing prices preemptively and nervously scanning the skies for aerial surveillance from Mar-a-Lago.
“He said he’s watching. What if he means *me*?” asked one trembling Shell clerk in Ohio who refused to give his name but wore a hat that read “Please Don’t Tariff Me.”
Confusion Reigns in the Oil World
Experts are baffled by the directive. Oil economist Dana McHale noted, “Typically, prices are set by supply and demand. But this is the first time fear of an angry Truth Social post seems to have replaced both.”
In a follow-up post, Trump added: “DRILL, BABY, DRILL!!! And I mean NOW!!!” leading the Department of Energy to panic-Google how to install a rig in front of the White House lawn. “We mostly do reports,” admitted one official, “but we’re looking at some YouTube tutorials.”
At press time, at least four independent stations had changed their signage to read “DON’T WORRY, MR. PRESIDENT. WE GOT THIS.” One station in Kansas reportedly began offering “freedom oil” at $1.76 per gallon if you salute the flag and recite the pledge in full.
