NEED TO KNOW
- Trump says he’s now learning Chess because “4D chess sounds more important than real war.”
- He thought pawns were “little woke losers” until he learned they could become queens.
- White House has ordered custom board where all the black pieces are red, “for patriotism.”
After years of being credited with “playing 4D chess” by loyal supporters, President Donald Trump admitted Monday that he should probably learn the rules of regular chess first.
“I figured if people are gonna keep saying I’m playing 4D chess, I better find out what the hell that means,” Trump told reporters while holding a rook upside down. “Turns out it’s not about Star Wars or Avatar or anything cool like that. It’s just a bunch of angry little statues fighting over squares.”
According to aides, Trump’s interest in chess surged after a Truth Social post claimed he had “checkmated the Deep State with nothing but a Diet Coke and divine instinct.” Melania, reportedly unimpressed, gifted him a child’s beginner set with the instruction manual replaced by a photo of Ron DeSantis labeled “this is the pawn.”
Trump has since demanded modifications to the game, including an executive knight that can grab any piece “by the border” and a new rule allowing queens to be Miss Universe winners only. “It’s already the best game,” he said, “now we’re just Trumping it up.”
Quote of the moment
America’s best moves are the ones nobody understands, especially me
Donald Trump
