NEED TO KNOW
- Trump claims his new “Deeper State” knows *everything* before it happens, thanks to clairvoyant interns
- Mar-a-Lago now classified as an interdimensional HQ for all deep-ish affairs
- New officials wear blacker suits, redder ties, and allegedly sleep standing up like horses
WASHINGTON, DC — President Trump held a press conference from a dimly lit stairwell, announcing he had “fully demolished the Deep State” and replaced it with something “way deeper and way more loyal — like, underground loyal.”
Dubbed the “Deeper State,” this new Shadow Government will reportedly operate out of a crawlspace beneath Mar-a-Lago. Trump assured reporters the space is “secure, well-ventilated, and blessed by Mike Lindell.”
“The Deep State was corrupt. Sad! But the Deeper State? Tremendous,” Trump explained. “It’s got patriots, plumbers, and Rudy in a golf cart with binoculars. Total upgrade.”
According to documents taped to a Golden Corral placemat, the Deeper State will focus on key missions: arresting anyone named Fauci, decoding Melania’s silence, and finally figuring out what the Department of Energy does.
Critics argue Trump simply renamed the bureaucracy and added scented candles. Supporters, meanwhile, are already wearing “Deep AF” merch and flooding Truth Social with posts like “If it’s deeper, it’s freer.”
“This new state goes so deep,” one user wrote, “it’s under Atlantis.”
Trump closed the briefing by announcing that Dan Bongino would head the Deeper FBI, staffed exclusively with men named Chad who failed polygraphs but “believe really hard.”
Quote of the moment
I know it’s real because I can feel it in my lower back when I stand near a microwave
Glenn Reinholdt, Freedom Podcast Host
