NEED TO KNOW
- Trump raised a new, extra-tall Flagpole at the White House, proclaiming “size equals patriotism”
- He serenaded the flag-raising, then “joked” that Air Force One might need a reroute
- He previously chose the Fed chair; now he chooses flagpole size to measure love for country
Too Patriotic for Your Average Pole
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Former President Donald Trump presided over the installation of an enormous new flagpole on the South Lawn, declaring that bigger flags equal bigger patriots. “If you love America, you love big flags,” Trump said. “Bigger than yours, bigger than everyone else’s. It’s what patriots do.”
The pole reportedly stands 100 feet tall and required a crane, a scaffolding crew, and one fainting intern who “was just in it for the career boost.”
FAA Alarmed, Tourists Awed, Neighbors Googled “Really?”
Trump joked that Air Force One may need to detour around the flag, and hinted that international flights should ensure no low-flying jets disrupt his display of “patriotic length.” The FAA responded by softly reminding pilots to steer clear of “national pride zones.”
Tourists reacted with wide eyes. One visitor said, “It’s like a bald eagle took steroids.”
Size Wars: Trump vs. Biden vs. Everyone Else
The unveiling snuck in a pointed comparison with smaller flags at other government buildings. Trump quipped that any flag under 50 feet should come with an apology, implying that Biden might be better at math but obviously weaker on flag totals.
This follows a pattern: Trump once said “bigger flag, bigger man,” then complained when others didn’t salute hard enough. Critics noted it’s similar to the time he nominated Powell, only to later denounce him for not being “huge enough.”
A New Metric for Evaluating Patriotism
White House aides are reportedly working on a new flag-size index. Proposed levels include:
- 10–20 ft: “Standard Patriot”
- 21–50 ft: “Freedom-Loving Individual”
- 50+ ft: “God-Emperor of Liberty”
Trump has privately discussed approval tiers: a 75-foot pole would earn “full MAGA” status, while any extra height qualifies for “undeniable patriotism.”
When asked for comment, Biden aides quietly measured their own porch flags — all 8 feet, as usual.
Quote of the moment
If your flag isn’t bigger than your neighbor’s, what are you even doing?
Donald J. Trump
