NEED TO KNOW
- Trump calls PhDs “the real inflation problem” and declares scratch-offs “basically microeconomics.”
- New Fed Chair nominee Dale “Big Money” Jenkins once won $40 and a Slim Jim in the same gas station trip.
- Jenkins promises to stabilize rates using “gut feeling, God’s will, and the lucky quarter.”
Mar-a-Lago, FL — In a bold move to restore fiscal confidence and “cut the nerd crap,” President Donald Trump has nominated Dale “Big Money” Jenkins, a man best known for winning $40 on a Flaming 7s scratch-off, to serve as the next Chair of the Federal Reserve.
“He’s beaten the odds, I mean… He knows risk. He’s basically already doing monetary policy but with more excitement,” Trump explained while holding up Jenkins’ laminated winning ticket. “Jerome Powell just pushed buttons. This guy scratched his way to greatness.”
Jenkins, who lists his economic philosophy as “Don’t spend what you can win,” accepted the nomination from the back of his cousin’s Dodge Durango. “I already got a system for inflation,” he said. “It’s called ‘scratch, pray, invest in Mountain Dew futures.’”
Critics argue Jenkins lacks experience with global markets. Jenkins responded by holding up a half-completed bingo card and saying, “I’ve already got a plan for China. It’s under the third square. Just gotta match one more chicken.”
The Senate confirmation hearing is scheduled for Friday, assuming Jenkins’ local gas station gets their Western Union machine working again.
The Fed, for its part, issued a statement: “Please stop sending us loose change in envelopes marked ‘For Dale.’”
Quote of the moment
The Fed’s already confusing, so let’s let a guy named Dale yell at it from a folding chair
Kevin Slump, Economic Analyst / Waffle House Line Cook
