NEED TO KNOW
- Tom Homan allegedly pocketed $50,000 from undercover FBI agents
- Trump’s DOJ said the transaction was patriotic and closed the case
- Cash bribes now reportedly reclassified as “border security donations”
From Bribe to Background Check
White House border czar Tom Homan was filmed last year accepting $50,000 in cash from undercover FBI agents posing as contractors. Rather than pursuing charges, Trump’s Justice Department praised the move as “extreme vetting for cash” and dismissed the case as deep-state harassment.
Officials defended Homan’s conduct by insisting the bribe was actually a “stress test” to make sure government employees could carry large amounts of money without fainting. According to DOJ spokespersons, the operation proved Homan’s “core strength in both wallet capacity and loyalty to the president.”
Cash-Only Patriotism
The FBI originally launched the probe after reports that Homan was soliciting payments in exchange for steering federal contracts. However, Trump appointees decided that the crisp bills were not evidence of Corruption but rather an “unregulated donation to border security innovation.” The department assured Americans that “every $100 bill stuffed into a White House staffer’s jacket pocket is one less bill in the hands of cartel coyotes.”
Critics pointed out that most Americans cannot hand federal officials envelopes full of cash and walk away with a contract, but DOJ lawyers countered that regular people can “simply start their own shadow government consulting firms” if they want the same access.
Redefining the Rulebook
Homan’s defenders argue he was merely conducting a “financial deportation,” moving money out of the FBI’s sting operation and into his own hands. Legal experts warned that conspiracy charges were possible, but Trump officials explained that “conspiracy is just teamwork with more syllables.”
By closing the investigation, the Trump DOJ set a precedent that future bribes may be viewed as “pre-paid patriotism.” Critics fear this will encourage further corruption. Supporters say it finally cuts out the paperwork and lets officials focus on “what really matters: deporting wallets back to the border.”
If you want to stay out of trouble in this administration, remember: it’s only bribery if you pay in Venmo.
Sometimes extreme vetting just means counting the bills twice
Caleb Mendoza, Institute for Creative Kickbacks
