NEED TO KNOW
- Trump announces sudden federal takeover of Washington, DC’s police force.
- National Guard told to watch for “suspicious” people, like those reading the Constitution.
- Mayor Bowser says she supports fighting crime but not “surprise federal cosplay.”
WASHINGTON, DC — Critics described it as “martial law, but make it improv,” President Donald Trump announced he is taking direct control of the DC Metropolitan Police Department. The mayor and police chief reportedly learned about the decision at the same time as the American public: from a live Trump press conference, flanked by his most intense-looking associates.
Trump framed the move as “a tremendous opportunity” to restore order, crack down on crime, and possibly rename the city “Trumptown.” He instructed National Guard units to detain “anyone who looks like they’re up to something sneaky, like reading the Constitution, writing petitions, or wearing glasses without a prescription.”
Mayor Muriel Bowser, while initially polite, admitted she was caught off guard by the sudden influx of federal uniforms and armored vehicles marked “Property of Trump International.” Local officials say they have received no written orders, only a set of laminated playing cards featuring “people of interest” that include at least three NPR hosts and a guy who once complained about his Diet Coke being flat.
“The President is keeping America safe by keeping DC nervous,” said one unnamed aide, folding up the Constitution to use as a coaster.
