NEED TO KNOW
- President Trump called PBS “propaganda for people who own tote bags.”
- Funding cuts expected to displace puppets, antique collectors, and soft-spoken woodworkers.
- Rural America bracing for first winter without televised British accents.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a midnight vote hailed by President Trump as a “triumph for fairness and people who don’t knit,” the Senate approved a total defunding of PBS and NPR. Once rubber-stamped by the House, the Corporation for Public Broadcasting will receive zero dollars for the first time since color TV.
“Sesame Street is liberal filth,” Trump said on Truth Social. “It’s time for Elmo to learn about markets.” He then posted an image of Big Bird in a coal helmet, photoshopped poorly.
Public Broadcasting executives warned the move would decimate rural stations, leaving large swaths of the country without access to slow British mysteries or low-stakes documentaries about maple syrup. “Without funding, we’re down to tote bag sales and emotional blackmail,” said a teary-eyed PBS affiliate manager in Iowa.
Republicans insisted the network had lost its neutrality. “I turned on NPR and didn’t hear Lee Greenwood once,” said Senator Josh Hawley. “It’s state-funded wokeness.”
Meanwhile, desperate staffers at NPR began testing new programming formats, including a true crime podcast narrated by Cookie Monster and a 24-hour pledge drive set in a dystopian future where tote bags are currency.
PBS responded with a short video of Mister Rogers sadly removing his cardigan and whispering, “You tried your best.”
Quote of the moment
I just found out Daniel Tiger’s dad is unemployed now, just like my dad.
Paxton Thimble, Age 7
