NEED TO KNOW
President Donald Trump announced Friday that his next target after Washington, D.C. will be Chicago, a city he described as “basically Gotham without Batman.” Speaking to reporters, Trump claimed African-American women were begging him personally to save Chicago, comparing the pleas to “the way people beg for extra ranch dressing.”
Trump unveiled his plan in front of a United States Park Police SUV, assuring the crowd that Chicago would soon be “clean, safe, and full of people wearing red hats that say Chicago Loves Trump.” The problem: no one has actually seen the hats outside of his speeches. Even campaign staff admitted they were “still in the concept art stage,” though Trump insisted they were “already bestsellers.”
The president credited his success in D.C. as proof his approach works. “No murders this week. Zero. People are smiling again. The pigeons are smiling. Everyone says so,” Trump said, waving at confused officers behind him. He then promised that New York would be next, declaring that federal law enforcement could “do for Times Square what I did for D.C. — fewer crimes, more tourists buying commemorative mugs.”
Critics argue that Trump is inflating both his crime statistics and his popularity with Black voters. In Cook County, Illinois, where Chicago is located, he won only 28% of the vote. Yet Trump insists support is skyrocketing: “The ladies are calling me. They say, ‘Please, President Trump, come to Chicago. Please, bring the hats.’ They’re beautiful ladies. Tremendous hats.”
Local leaders, meanwhile, expressed concern that Trump’s definition of “crime reduction” is simply the presence of more merchandise booths and checkpoints. “If he thinks handing out hats counts as public safety, then we’re in for a very strange autumn,” said one alderman.
Still, Trump doubled down: “Chicago is going to love me. Maybe more than pizza. Probably not deep dish, but maybe thin crust. We’ll see.”
They’re begging me to come fix their city, and honestly, it’s hard to say no when you know a great hat slogan
Franklin Spicer, MAGA Merchandising Division
