NEED TO KNOW
- President Trump orders incineration of 500 tons of emergency food rations
- Foreign Aid leadership handed to a former Arby’s manager named Brad Snuffman
- Trump claims biscuits could “radicalize” children into hating American values
The Trump administration has decided to torch nearly 500 metric tons of emergency food rations instead of delivering them to starving children overseas. According to officials, the biscuits pose “a threat to national security via snack-based radicalization.”
These rations were designed to help children in war-torn regions. But after USAID was dissolved and folded into the State Department, approval to ship them vanished. “We just never heard back,” said a staffer who now reports to a Slack channel called #PatriotSnacks.
Leadership of foreign aid now rests with Brad Snuffman, a man whose only experience with logistics involves curating the late shift menu at Arby’s Boise #44. Brad recently stated, “Sometimes you gotta burn the biscuits to save the country.”
Secretary of State Marco Rubio told Congress in May that he would prevent spoilage. However, the order to incinerate the food had already been signed and labeled “Operation Flame Broiled Freedom.”
Trump defended the decision on Truth Social: “Sending food overseas only helps future terrorists grow strong teeth. We’re not doing that anymore. America First, Hunger Later.”
Meanwhile, officials confirmed the biscuits will be destroyed in Dubai at taxpayer expense. Alternative destinations like Gaza, Sudan, or any place with actual starving children were rejected. “We need to send a message,” said Brad, “and that message is no more biscuits for terrorists.”
Quote of the Moment
We’re not feeding future freeloaders with American-made snacks
Brad Bryan, Former Taco Bell night shift captain
