NEED TO KNOW
- Trump’s Birthday Parade featured tanks, flags, and 70 minutes of standing still
- Other world leaders have staged far more “impressive” displays of power and pageantry
- From Kim Jong-un’s missile ballet to Uganda’s tank-mounted gospel choir, the bar is high
Trump Turns 78, Celebrates with Parade That Got Schooled by Global Strongmen
WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump marked his 78th birthday with a military-themed parade meant to show strength, unity, and at least partial functionality. But despite MAGA-branded confetti and a Marine One flyover, the spectacle fell short when compared to the world’s most over-the-top authoritarian pageants.
Here are 10 international parades that outshined Trump’s celebration — and didn’t need a Jumbotron to feel like propaganda.
1. North Korea – Day of the Sun Parade
Kim Jong-un’s birthday tribute to his grandfather features intercontinental missiles, 10,000 troops blinking in sync, and choreography that puts Super Bowl halftime shows to shame. Trump had tanks on trailers. Kim had tanks doing choreography.
2. Russia – Victory Day Parade (Moscow)
Putin rolls out nuke-ready hardware, fighter jets in formation, and a speech soundtracked by Cold War nostalgia. Trump had Lee Greenwood and 4,000 National Guardsmen asking if anyone ordered more porta-potties.
3. China – National Day Parade (Beijing)
Xi Jinping’s version includes robot dogs, space lasers, and rockets that probably have TikTok installed. Trump waved flags, pointed at stuff, and checked his phone mid-flyover.
4. Turkmenistan – Independence Day Parade
This parade includes drones, horses, and a giant golden statue of the president’s dog. Trump had Marine One and a marching band that accidentally played “YMCA” because someone reused the Mar-a-Lago playlist.
5. Belarus – Armed Forces Day Parade
Lukashenko parades through Minsk like a mall cop in a tank. He gives live military orders while horseback. Trump stood behind bulletproof glass and said he loved the troops “almost as much as I love ratings.”
6. Iran – Sacred Defense Week Parade
Features missiles, tanks, and generals screaming in rhythm. Trump’s event had weather delays, folding chairs, and a guy selling MAGA kettle corn next to a bald eagle balloon arch.
7. Libya – Gaddafi’s “Green Book” Parades (pre-2011)
Gaddafi wore disco camo and led parades with an all-female security detail. Trump had Don Jr. live-tweeting from the bleachers and Melania not clapping with the power of a thousand disapprovals.
8. Iraq – Saddam Hussein’s Army Day Parade
Marching columns, throne observation, and zero irony. Trump watched from a riser made of plastic barricades while a confused Secret Service agent tried to find the bathroom schedule.
9. Venezuela – Independence Day Parade
Maduro brings tanks, jets, and choreographed cheers. Trump had influencers, TikTokers, and one guy yelling “Let’s go Brandon!” at a passing marching band that wasn’t sure if it was ironic.
10. Uganda – NRM Victory Day Parade
President Yoweri Museveni once featured a tank-mounted gospel choir. Trump’s choir required licensing, a backup generator, and a final approval text from Kimberly Guilfoyle.
Final Score? Strongmen: 10, Trump: Participation Ribbon
While Trump’s parade featured flags, chants, and a brief shirt untuck, it lacked the bombast, flair, and occasionally illegal pyrotechnics of its global counterparts. Still, sources confirm he gave it a 10 out of 10 — “just like Ivanka’s White House debut.”
Quote of the moment
Kim had tanks dancing. I had traffic cones in formation. Not the same
Unnamed National Guard Lieutenant
