NEED TO KNOW
- SNAP benefits paused “for national strength,” foreign aid doubled “for global optics.”
- Trump says helping Argentina is “technically America First, since it’s in the Americas.”
- Experts confirm the President believes empathy exchange rates favor overseas investments.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As millions of Americans prepare to lose food assistance during the ongoing government shutdown, President Donald Trump announced that his administration has located “a few billion in couch change” to fund emergency aid to Argentina, citing “the strategic importance of looking generous somewhere else.”
“Americans are strong people,” Trump said from the Oval Office, flanked by a map of South America labeled ‘Future Trump Territory.’ “They can fast for a few weeks. Frankly, some of them could use it. Argentina, on the other hand, is a beautiful place, very tan, very deserving. And they love me down there.”
The announcement comes as SNAP benefits are set to expire, leaving more than 40 million Americans without access to groceries. When asked about the contradiction, White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt said the President was simply “prioritizing allies who are willing to compliment his golf game.”
America First, Just Not in America
Critics were quick to highlight the irony of sending foreign aid during a domestic funding freeze, but Trump brushed off the criticism, explaining that the decision “technically supports America First,” since Argentina “is located in the Americas.”
“You can’t spell hemisphere without me,” he added, pausing for applause that never arrived. “We’re helping the neighborhood. Meanwhile, Democrats want your tax dollars going to boring things like peanut butter and beans. Disgusting.”
Economists have struggled to follow the administration’s math, which includes funding Argentina’s economic stimulus through “reinvested tariff magic,” a concept Treasury officials later confirmed was “not a real thing.”
Argentina Thanks “Our Favorite Reality President”
Argentine President Javier Milei reportedly thanked Trump during a call described by aides as “mostly yelling.” According to transcripts, Trump praised Milei’s “hair, courage, and refusal to read briefings,” calling him “a natural fit for the Trump Doctrine of economic chaos.”
“We’re thrilled to have America’s money,” Milei said afterward. “Especially since it’s not currently feeding Americans.”
Meanwhile, grocery store shelves across the U.S. are expected to thin out by next week. But Trump reassured citizens that “every can of beans left uneaten is one step closer to greatness.”
“We’ve got to make sacrifices,” he said. “And if that means Americans skip a few meals so I can be adored internationally, that’s called leadership.”
When he said America First, I didn’t realize he meant alphabetically.
Dr. Elise Morgan, Georgetown Political Institute
