WASHINGTON D.C.— Former President Donald Trump announced yesterday that he plans to appeal the trial date set for his federal election case. Legal experts were astonished at his grounds for appeal, however, as Trump is requesting that the trial be moved to “infinity plus one” days from now.
“I’ve always said the system is rigged,” Trump told reporters at his Mar-a-Lago resort, where he hosted an emergency press conference in the middle of the 17th hole. “Infinity plus one is the only fair date for me, okay? Everybody says so. I’ve talked to many, many numbers people, and they all agree.”
Legal scholars were puzzled by the announcement, as “infinity plus one” is not generally recognized in any legal code or calendar system. Professor Jane Smith of Yale Law School commented, “The concept of ‘infinity plus one’ is generally limited to kindergarten disputes and theoretical mathematics. I have no idea how it applies to federal legal proceedings.”
Trump’s attorney, Rudy Giuliani, chimed in with his own insights: “If infinity is good enough for Buzz Lightyear, it’s good enough for the President.” Giuliani then attempted to demonstrate the concept by drawing an infinity loop on a whiteboard but ended up locking himself in an Escher-like paradox from which he has yet to escape.
The Department of Justice was equally baffled by the appeal request. Spokesperson Mark Thompson said, “We’re still trying to figure out how to schedule ‘infinity plus one’ into our court system. Currently, our scheduling software only allows us to book dates up to the year 9999, which, as we all know, is considerably less than infinity.”
Unfazed by the logistical hurdles, Trump proceeded to sell “Infinity Plus One” hats and T-shirts on his website, which reportedly sold out in minutes. A variety of colors are available, with the notable exception of “Indictment Orange.”
While the appeal is pending, lawmakers in Congress are debating whether or not to amend the U.S. legal code to include provisions for infinite delays. This would essentially put the case in a legal limbo, a situation that Senator Mitch McConnell described as “not fundamentally different from the current state of American politics.”
As the nation waits for the court’s decision on the unique appeal, Trump has already moved on to his next venture: challenging the concept of the space-time continuum itself. “If I can beat impeachment, I can beat Einstein,” he declared, while signing copies of his new book, “The Art of the Infinity Deal.”
In related news, mathematicians have called an emergency meeting to discuss the implications of “infinity plus one” for number theory, and philosophers are reeling at the possibility that reality might just be a construct.
“It’s a case of life imitating art, imitating kindergarten disputes,” said one legal observer. “Only in America.”
