NEED TO KNOW
- Texas lawmakers are advancing a bill banning anyone under 18 from using Social Media, because nothing says freedom like aggressive age verification.
- HB 186 would require ID checks, account deletions, and possibly a permission slip from your grandfather.
- Meanwhile, teens are already learning to code VPNs in study hall.
Teens Threatened With Forced Eye Contact and Outdoor Activities
The Texas Senate is poised to save the youth of America from their greatest modern threat: vertical videos of people dancing, making sandwiches, or ranting about astrology. That’s right. House Bill 186 could soon ban anyone under 18 from accessing social media in Texas.
Lawmakers described the platforms as “digital fentanyl,” “brain-destroying algorithms,” and “probably where communism started.” The bill passed the House with overwhelming support, proving once again that the fastest way to bipartisan unity is threatening to take away the apps that make teenagers happy.
Supporters claim it’s about safety. Opponents say it’s about overreach. Teens say “LOL what?” and continue live-streaming their Fortnite matches.
Texas Teenagers to Be Monitored Like Cattle, But Digitally
Under the bill, anyone wanting to join a social media platform must prove they’re 18 or older. This will likely require a retina scan, two blood samples, and a character reference from a Sunday school teacher.
Platforms will be forced to delete underage accounts within 10 days of parental request. Some parents have already begun rehearsing “I’m not mad, just disappointed” speeches in case their kids get banned mid-TikTok.
Governor Greg Abbott has not said whether he’ll sign the bill, but he has been seen scrolling through Truth Social while muttering, “Back in my day we just drank out of hoses.”
Critics Wonder Why TikTok Is the Threat, Not Heatstroke or Ammunition
Critics of the bill raised some uncomfortable questions. For instance, why is Texas banning social media for teens but still allows 16-year-olds to carry firearms with fewer questions than they’d get signing up for Snapchat?
One ACLU spokesperson asked, “How are these kids supposed to be radicalized by the internet if they can’t access it?”
When asked how enforcement would work, a state official suggested deputizing middle school principals, while another hinted at using Ring doorbells and “AI Bible filters.”
Teens Already Figuring Out How to Break the Law by Lunch
Despite the legislation’s strict wording, experts agree it will likely be less effective than a school Wi-Fi filter. Within minutes of the vote, students across Texas launched group chats titled “HB186 Workarounds” and began selling access to “freedom phones” hidden in hydro flasks.
At one high school, a 14-year-old named Braxton was overheard saying, “My cousin lives in Oklahoma. I’ll just VPN in through her grandma’s router.”
Lawmakers, meanwhile, declared victory and went back to legislating against drag brunches.
Quote of the Moment
We believe this law will keep kids safe and give parents more control. But mostly, we just hate TikTok
Rep. Jared Patterson
