NEED TO KNOW
- Ted Cruz says Biden never contacted him during his presidency, citing it as evidence Biden “wasn’t running anything.”
- Americans across party lines briefly pause to respect Biden’s judgment.
- Cruz reportedly still waiting by his phone in case someone wants to hear his podcast.
Senator Ted Cruz, R–TX, revealed over the weekend that during Joe Biden’s entire presidency, the two men “never spoke even once.” Cruz offered the detail while suggesting Biden lacked cognitive control of the government, but Americans everywhere instead interpreted the silence as Biden’s finest decision in office.
“Not once in four years. Not a single phone call,” Cruz emphasized on Fox News. Viewers across the country reportedly cheered, assuming it meant Biden had at least one functioning neuron dedicated to avoiding unnecessary trauma.
Political analysts noted that Biden may have wisely avoided Cruz after reading the senator’s Yelp reviews or hearing stories about Cancun. One White House aide, speaking off the record, confirmed: “We had a ‘Do Not Cruz’ list. It was laminated.”
Cruz lamented that he was excluded from all major decisions, photo ops, and even the annual congressional Secret Santa. “I got nothing. Not even coal. Just respect from oil lobbyists,” he said.
Meanwhile, a brief bipartisan consensus formed online, with the trending hashtag #ThanksJoeForThat. Even critics admitted it showed rare presidential wisdom. Biden, when asked if he avoided Cruz on purpose, shrugged and replied, “Who?”
Quote of the moment
It’s the quietest Ted’s ever been, and we’re all better for it
Marcy Levine, Communications Professor and Survivor of a Cruz Elevator Pitch
