NEED TO KNOW
- President Trump hints at launching a new war but says he’ll decide after the weekend, two rallies, and maybe a golf cart summit with Kid Rock
- Military leaders reportedly told to “be on standby, but chill until I’m back from Mar-a-Lago”
- Trump denies indecision, says it’s just “Foreign Policy with flavor”
Mar-a-Lago, FL – President Trump announced Thursday that he may launch military action, but not before “two rallies, some golf, and possibly a fajita bowl.”
“We’re locked and loaded — just not right now,” Trump told reporters outside a TACO-themed buffet tent at a “Latinos for Trump Again” event in Florida. “Thursday is a weird day for starting wars. You don’t want to rush it. I need to feel it, you know? And right now, I feel like guacamole.”
According to White House staffers, Trump has penciled in a possible military strike against an “unfriendly somewhere” for “sometime after this weekend’s rally in Mobile and the Flagpole Appreciation Parade in Branson.”
“You don’t rush these things,” he told supporters. “Unlike Sleepy Joe, I don’t do war before a golf weekend. It’s called *strategic pacing.*”
National Security, Postponed
Pentagon officials confirmed they received orders to prepare “some missiles, not all,” and to “get the good cameras ready in case this turns into a ratings win.” One general, who requested anonymity, said, “We’ve never had to coordinate launch codes around a charity concert with Kid Rock before.”
Melania reportedly left the room halfway through the Situation Room briefing after Trump turned it into a tasting panel for his new line of freeze-dried taco kits. “They’ll be in every MRE,” he promised, holding up a vacuum-sealed bag labeled *Patriot Picante*.
Policy by Quesadilla
When asked if delaying military strikes sends the wrong message, Trump snapped back. “It’s not a delay. It’s suspense. Nobody wants boring wars anymore. People want story arcs.”
Insiders say the next summit with allied leaders will be held on the 8th hole of Trump Doral, followed by margaritas and drone footage reviews. If Kid Rock attends, it’s likely to be streamed on Truth Social under the title “War Room Wednesdays.”
Meanwhile, global tensions remain high, but Mar-a-Lago’s buffet line remains higher. Trump says he’ll “let the world know” his decision by next Friday — unless, of course, “it rains, or the vibes are off.”
Quote of the Moment
You don’t start wars on a Thursday. That’s amateur hour
Donald J. Trump
