Washington D.C. – The Supreme Court of the United States dealt a devastating blow to affirmative action in college admissions. In a 5-4 decision, the highest court in the land declared that race-based considerations are unconstitutional and instead, mandated a new and innovative criterion for admission: a direct bloodline to ancient philosophers.
Justice Cornelius “Catullus” Roberts, writing for the majority, proclaimed, “In our infinite wisdom, we have found the perfect solution to address racial inequity in college admissions. From this day forth, students must prove they are direct descendants of Socrates, Plato, or Aristotle, or any other ancient philosopher of their choosing, in order to gain admission into esteemed institutions of higher learning.”
The ruling sent shockwaves throughout the academic community, with students and activists taking to the streets in protest. Signs bearing slogans like “Descendants Matter” and “Down with Descendancy” flooded the nation’s capital. It appears that the days of affirmative action are numbered, but the era of philosophical lineage has dawned.
Colleges and universities across the country are now scrambling to adjust their admissions criteria to comply with the new ruling. Admissions officers, once tasked with evaluating diversity and potential, are now poring over family trees and conducting DNA tests to ascertain ancient ancestry.
“We used to focus on personal essays, extracurricular activities, and academic achievements,” said Amanda Kingston, admissions director at the prestigious Ivy League university of Veritas University. “Now we need to verify if an applicant has any philosophers in their family tree. It’s a bit of a logistical nightmare, but hey, it’s the law.”
Critics argue that this new approach is not only absurd but also perpetuates elitism and inequality. Students from marginalized backgrounds, who have historically benefited from affirmative action, now find themselves at an even greater disadvantage. Meanwhile, students from privileged families who can trace their lineage back to antiquity are being hailed as the new ruling class of the intellectual elite.
In response to the backlash, Justice Roberts defended the decision, stating, “We believe this ruling levels the playing field for everyone. After all, if you can’t trace your heritage back to the great minds of the past, do you even deserve an education? It’s time we prioritize intellectual genealogy over the color of one’s skin.”
As the nation grapples with this new reality, many are left wondering what will become of the dreams and aspirations of countless students who will now face an uphill battle to gain access to higher education. The future may be uncertain, but for now, the Supreme Court has spoken: if you want a shot at college, better start digging into your family history and hope your great-great-great-great-grandfather happened to exchange ideas with Plato at a toga party.
