NEED TO KNOW
- Trump White House declares “South Park” a national security threat after humiliating Season 27 premiere
- DHS now surveilling Kenny as “primary radical” due to his history of dying and coming back stronger
- Trump legal team files $5 billion lawsuit demanding punitive damages and “one night with Satan to set the record straight”
After a brutal Season 27 premiere featuring animated sex pleas, a microscopic penis reveal, and Jesus issuing legal threats on behalf of Trump, the White House has officially labeled “South Park” a “leftist terror cell masquerading as comedy.” According to a late-night press release, Homeland Security has been instructed to begin surveillance of Kenny McCormick, citing his repeated resurrections as “suspicious and possibly demonic.”
The administration also filed a $5 billion lawsuit against the show’s creators, claiming emotional distress and loss of masculine dignity. “They depicted the president in bed with Satan,” said White House spokesperson Taylor Rogers. “That’s private business. And the size of his genitals? Irrelevant, if not defamatory. The real threat is this coordinated attack on decency.”
Trump is reportedly demanding a full retraction, an apology, and “one night with Satan under terms negotiated by Rudy Giuliani.” DHS has added Cartman to a watchlist, citing “violent dairy-based behavior,” and has advised Americans to report any attempts at political satire to Truth Social immediately.
“The real insurrection,” Rogers warned, “was animated in 2D.”
Quote of the moment
Kenny’s been training in the woods with a flaming crossbow since last Tuesday
Anonymous DHS Memo Leak
