NEED TO KNOW
- After 34 hours of continuous amendments, senators unknowingly voted the entire Bible into federal law
- Confused staffers say it began as a vote on farm subsidies, then somehow included Leviticus
- Senators promise to “undo Genesis through Revelation” after a short nap and 4 Red Bulls
Hezekiah Amendment Passes Unanimously at 4:13 AM
WASHINGTON, D.C. — What began as a routine all-night session on Donald Trump’s megabill spiraled wildly early Tuesday morning, culminating in the accidental passage of the entire Bible as U.S. law. Senate clerks say the event occurred sometime after the 67th straight amendment vote, when lawmakers reportedly entered a fugue state somewhere between Numbers and Deuteronomy.
Senators Now Bound by Mosaic Dietary Law
“I just wanted to restore tax breaks for married couples who own landscaping goats,” said one exhausted senator. “Now I legally can’t eat shellfish or wear blended fabrics.” Witnesses say the pivotal vote occurred when Sen. Josh Hawley misread a parchment prop left by a visiting evangelical think tank and shouted, “Let’s codify it!” to bipartisan applause.
Plans Underway to Repeal Revelation via Continuing Resolution
With Congress now required to honor the Sabbath and stone astrologers, aides are scrambling to unwind the divine legislation. Senate Majority Leader John Thune promised to “fix this with a clean repeal” before Friday, “as long as we don’t rest on the seventh day.” Meanwhile, President Trump has vowed to sign the measure, calling it “the best book, some say better than Art of the Deal.”
Quote of the moment
The Lord works in mysterious ways, but this is straight-up procedural malpractice
Constitutional law professor Debra Lynn Ford
