NEED TO KNOW
- Supreme Court Justices end term by choosing Arby’s for lunch in a 6–3 meat-forward decision
- Majority opinion cites “Divine Right of Meat” and originalist interpretation of the Beef and Cheddar
- Dissenting justices file strongly-worded briefs in support of Panera, citing “constitutional soup access”
Meat Trumps All
Washington, D.C. – In a final decision before recess, the Supreme Court ruled 6–3 that Arby’s will be the official lunch destination of the term. Writing for the majority, Justice Alito declared, “We have the meats, and so too must the Republic.” The ruling nullified an earlier suggestion of Mediterranean fare, which Clarence Thomas denounced as “texturally suspect.”
The Constitution Was Clearly Thinking Roast Beef
The majority opinion invoked a previously overlooked passage from the Articles of Confederation, which referenced “stacked proteins of liberty.” Justices Gorsuch and Kavanaugh co-authored a concurring opinion comparing curly fries to judicial restraint. Meanwhile, Chief Justice Roberts cited the Arby’s sauce as “the spirit of federalism distilled.”
Panera Falls in Dissent
In a sharp dissent, Justice Sotomayor warned the ruling “sets a dangerous precedent for future lunchtime jurisprudence.” Ketanji Brown Jackson argued the Constitution is a living document, “with room for ciabatta.” Justice Kagan simply wrote, “Too much sodium.”
Quote of the moment
I can’t uphold the law on an empty stomach
Justice Brett Kavanaugh
