What You Need to Know
• Republicans dropped a planned millionaire tax increase from Trump’s updated tax legislation
• The bill extends Trump’s 2017 tax cuts and shields tips, overtime, and Social Security income
• Lawmakers say it’s about protecting “aspiration,” also known as high-value donors with private helipads
Wealthy, Woke, and Now Tax-Free
WASHINGTON, D.C. — House Republicans have quietly removed a proposed tax hike on millionaires in the latest Trump-backed tax plan. The reason? Lawmakers said it would be unfair to “penalize success,” especially when success funds their campaigns.
“The wealthy already pay more,” said one representative. “Emotionally, it’s exhausting. They deal with portfolio volatility and hard decisions about which lake house to winter in.”
A Bill That Loves the Middle Class (From a Safe Distance)
The revised legislation extends the 2017 Trump tax cuts. It also eliminates federal tax on overtime and tipped income. Seniors on Social Security will see modest savings. These additions were designed to appeal to voters while keeping the real rewards quietly tucked into the million-dollar clauses.
One staffer described the bill as “fiscally patriotic,” before slipping into a donor event titled Champagne & Capital Gains.
Trickling Down Optimism, Not Revenue
Supporters of the bill say it helps everyone. They point to phrases like “opportunity zones” and “growth incentives” while avoiding questions about how billionaires keep qualifying for disaster relief.
Critics argue the bill benefits the wealthy far more than working families. However, a lobbyist close to the negotiations called it “a solid first step toward letting wealth truly roam free.”
Richer Than Before, and Now Officially Tax-Comfortable
The bill also expands deductions for business meals, private jet maintenance, and anything described as “investment in the American spirit.” Meanwhile, tax forms will now include a checkbox for “emotionally burdened by success.”
At press time, lawmakers were considering a special rebate for donors who include inspirational quotes about grit on their Venmo memos.
