Politics

Pentagon Declares ‘War on Accountability,’ Invites Both Parties to Join

After decades of bureaucratic gridlock, the Pentagon finally found common ground with Congress: fighting transparency itself. Critics call it “the most successful bipartisan mission in modern history.”

By The Folly Times
5 Min Read
Aerial view of the Pentagon building in Arlington, Virginia
The Pentagon, where leaders now claim transparency “threatens national security and lunch plans.”

NEED TO KNOW

  • Pentagon announces new domestic operation targeting audits and ethics oversight
  • Both parties sign joint resolution declaring “transparency a national threat”
  • Defense contractors celebrate victory before the war even begins

Pentagon Launches ‘War on Accountability,’ Invites Both Parties

In a rare show of unity, leaders from both parties stood at a very shiny podium and saluted a new mission: the War on Accountability. The stated objective is simple: protect freedom from consequences. Briefers cited a growing threat environment that includes nosy auditors, budget line items with names, and reporters who insist on second questions. As one official said, the American public has become dangerously curious.

Bipartisan Unity, Finally

Because compromise still polls well, Congress pledged immediate support. Lawmakers praised the campaign as the most transparent lack of transparency in national history. The White House promised air cover in the form of vague statements and inspirational acronyms. Meanwhile, the Pentagon revealed a morale poster that reads, “Loose Lips Improve Morale,” beside a majestic bald eagle shredding a receipt.

Funding Already Missing

According to planners, the operation will cost about $400 billion. However, exact figures remain unknown since the accounting office achieved early success by classifying itself. Nevertheless, procurement has begun. Contracts went to firms with proven experience, including FogCo Communications, Numbers Adjacent LLC, and a shell company named Receipt Freedom Partners. Officials assured taxpayers that strong guardrails exist. Then they confirmed the guardrails are also classified.

How the War Will Be Fought

The first phase targets hostile spreadsheets. Teams will liberate them from context, then rotate to hostile email archives for precision redaction. Next, the Department will deploy a rapid response unit called Task Force Later, which specializes in promising reports by Q4 and delivering vibes instead. Because optics matter, a new emblem features a cross-shredder over the U.S. seal with the motto: In Paperwork We Trust. The emblem is already unavailable for public viewing due to its extreme symbolism.

Both Parties Report Major Gains

Senior members of Congress cheered measurable progress. Committee chairs confirmed that subpoena requests now require a two-step verification process: a form, then a feeling. Ranking members welcomed the move as a breakthrough in bipartisan healing. After all, if no one has receipts, then everyone feels heard.

Public Reaction and End State

Early polling shows 62 percent of Americans support accountability in theory. However, 100 percent believe it is on a long deployment. Watchdogs expressed alarm, yet they also thanked the Pentagon for finally declaring war on the thing it has defeated for years by accident. Ending the briefing, a spokesperson outlined the exit strategy: victory will be declared once every paper trail has been humanely escorted into a confidential, unmarked sunrise.

If transparency were important, surely someone would have funded it.

Melinda R., Center for Strategic Ambiguity
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