NEED TO KNOW
- Nancy Mace accuses Cory Mills of inflating his combat record with “ketchup stains.”
- GOP stunned to discover “stolen valor” requires at least some existing valor to begin with.
- Party insiders worried this fight could expose other fabricated backstories, like Ted Cruz’s beard.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Rep. Nancy Mace lit up Capitol Hill by accusing fellow Republican Cory Mills of stolen valor, alleging that his combat stories sounded more like bad cable drama than battlefield heroics. The accusation sparked a GOP meltdown, since many assumed “truth” had already been phased out of the party platform years ago.
Ketchup or Combat?
Mace mocked Mills’ photo of bloodied pants, suggesting the stains came from a late-night Chili’s run rather than combat in Iraq. “If that’s battlefield evidence, then my laundry basket deserves a medal,” she said. Mills countered with a letter from his former team leader, which praised his “bravery under PowerPoint.” Observers noted that even the letter read like it was drafted by ChatGPT.
Party insiders scrambled to pick a side. Some defended Mills, while others admitted the whole affair felt familiar. “Every résumé in this party has at least one invention,” one aide whispered. “George Santos claimed Broadway, and Ted Cruz’s beard claims to be human.”
Bronze Stars and Participation Trophies
The controversy follows earlier reports that questioned Mills’ Bronze Star. Veterans who served alongside him said they couldn’t recall his heroics, though they did remember him hogging the sat phone to update his MySpace page. Mills dismissed critics as “deep state operatives,” which now apparently means anyone with a memory longer than five minutes.
The spat left many voters wondering what other “war stories” might collapse under scrutiny. Rumors already swirl about GOP lawmakers who survived the “Battle of Olive Garden Reservations” or fought bravely during “Multiple Tours of Fox & Friends.”
Fallout in the Ranks
At press time, Mace doubled down. She claimed the only real battle Mills had ever fought was resisting the urge to tell the truth. Republicans braced for more infighting, fearing this dust-up could expose other fabricated legends hiding inside the party.
