NEED TO KNOW
- Nancy Mace launches campaign promising to “fight hurricanes with legislation.”
- She vows to ban books, pronouns, and any nouns that “sound liberal.”
- Platform includes God, guns, grammar policing, and possibly Ghostbusters.
NORTH CHARLESTON, SC — In a move widely seen as both bold and barely coherent, Representative Nancy Mace announced her run for South Carolina governor while standing near the ocean and shaking her fist at the sky. She told reporters, “No more hurricanes, no more they/thems, and absolutely no more books that make people think.”
Mace, known for pivoting between moderate and MAGA with the grace of a malfunctioning Roomba, unveiled a campaign rooted in banning whatever makes her uncomfortable that week. Her proposed agenda includes outlawing hurricanes, prosecuting dictionaries, and creating a ‘God-First Grammar Force’ to monitor pronoun usage in public spaces.
“This isn’t about politics. It’s about protecting our kids from violent storms, suspicious punctuation, and woke punctuation,” she declared, flanked by a bald eagle and a man dressed as the U.S. Constitution. When asked if hurricanes can be banned by law, she replied, “You can’t prove they can’t.”
Mace also promised to restore vocational pride by reopening Waffle Houses as civic centers and arming every booth with a Bible, a skillet, and a lie detector test.
Campaign staff say her slogan, “Hold the Line,” now refers to both cultural values and waiting for your check at Denny’s.
Quote of the moment
The hurricane community is frankly terrified — they didn’t expect to be targeted this early in the season
National Weather Service Intern
