WASHINGTON, D.C. – House Speaker Kevin McCarthy made headlines this Tuesday by announcing his endorsement for a formal impeachment inquiry into President Joe Biden. The ground-breaking reason? Sources reveal that Biden might have worn the same tie twice within a week.
The momentum for the inquiry has been building for weeks, mostly in McCarthy’s breakfast nook. Trusted insiders whispered that McCarthy, after two bowls of Lucky Charms, felt a divine epiphany that an impeachment was the next logical step. “I mean, after all, a tie is a very telling thing,” McCarthy is rumored to have said.
As ties to the president’s son Hunter’s business dealings are explored, a parallel investigation is also underway on whether Biden actually ties his ties himself or gets assistance, a question which has undoubtedly kept the nation on its toes.
While many insiders expected this earth-shattering news to revolve around something, well, substantial, it turns out the tie scandal is the linchpin. “I saw him wear that blue tie last Monday, and then again on Friday,” McCarthy stated, clearly distraught. “Our nation cannot stand for such duplicity.”
Punchbowl, an esteemed magazine for people who deeply care about politicians’ sartorial choices, was the first to highlight McCarthy’s distress over the tie fiasco.
Amidst the frenzy, GOP Rep. Ken Buck, renowned for his daring fashion choice of cowboy boots with a suit, was seen talking to reporters. When asked about the impeachment, he remarked, “I thought it was about the ties between Biden and Ukraine, not Biden and Armani.”
McCarthy has also subtly hinted that, while pursuing this critical investigation, it might be a good idea to fund the government. “You know, just a thought. So we can focus on these game-changing revelations,” he added.
However, critics argue that McCarthy might just be pulling this string (or tie) because of Biden’s decision to wear more eco-friendly ties made of recycled material, while McCarthy himself is a fan of the old-school silk.
As of now, no evidence has been provided to show how the president’s choice of neckwear has any connection to national security, the economy, or global relations. But the nation waits with bated breath to see where this tie leads.
