NEED TO KNOW
- A self-described patriotic homemaker from rural Ohio explained her vote was about “values,” not “math”
- She blames inflation, high gas prices, and school drag shows for her expired mayonnaise
- Experts say Mary’s economic policies hurt her, but her yard is free of critical race theory
Moral Victories Over Material Ones
CHILLICOTHE, OH — “I didn’t vote for lower taxes,” said Mary Simmons, 58, while lighting a Yankee candle with her utility shutoff notice. “I voted for freedom. And by freedom, I mean not having to learn new pronouns or hear Spanish at Walmart.”
When asked about skyrocketing prices and her lack of health insurance, Mary doubled down. “This is what sacrifice looks like. My ancestors didn’t cross the Atlantic to get free insulin.”
A Lifestyle of Consequence
Mary’s home, decorated with both a ‘Don’t Tread on Me’ doormat and an extensive QVC debt balance, sits within earshot of the local Dollar Tree. “I shop there out of principle,” she noted, “not because I maxed out my Kohl’s card during the war on Christmas.”
Although she admits life has become more expensive and less insured, Mary maintains it’s a small price to pay. “I might be broke, but I’m woke-proof,” she said proudly, applying expired lip balm.
Her Community, Her Choice
Her neighbors agree. One remarked,
We’ve all made sacrifices. Some lost jobs, some lost access to drinking water, but at least the library stopped hosting yoga for Somali teens.
MAGA Mary’s Neighbor
Despite her vote aligning against her own socioeconomic interests, Mary insists her soul remains untouched by empathy.
Economic Doom, But On Her Terms
Financial experts estimate Mary will run out of retirement funds in 14 months. When informed of this, she shrugged, “At least Biden didn’t give it to immigrants. I’d rather starve patriotically.”
Mary plans to keep voting the same way until “the good old days” return or someone fixes her roof — whichever comes first.
