NEED TO KNOW
- After the Trump Assassination Attempt, MAGA influencers declare exclusive rights to “asking questions.”
- Any non-MAGA curiosity about Epstein, missing uranium, or timing of airstrikes is labeled “dangerous speculation.”
- White House says there’s no cover-up, just a coincidental sequence of national distractions involving bombs, blood, and billionaires.
Following the attempted assassination of Donald Trump and the sudden reappearance of global conflict, MAGA leaders have officially declared themselves the sole group permitted to entertain conspiracy theories in the United States. The declaration came shortly after multiple journalists, Reddit users, and confused grandmothers began asking questions like “Where’s the rest of the Trump shooting footage?” and “Did the Epstein list fall behind someone’s desk?”
Questions Are Now Copyrighted
“You don’t get to question the narrative unless you’re wearing a red hat or legally intoxicated at a Cracker Barrel,” said one Truth Social post, which was immediately reshared by three House Republicans and a guy selling Trump-branded moonshine. According to MAGA doctrine, only loyalists are allowed to point out that the Trump shooting vanished from the news cycle faster than the Pentagon’s UFO files.
Epstein? Trump? Bombs? Too Many Vibes
Public attention turned briefly to the Epstein client list before pivoting hard to missing Iranian uranium, then to a vague “partial damage” report, then to flag-waving pressers where no questions were allowed. One White House aide clarified, “It’s not a cover-up. It’s just an aggressive national schedule of unrelated chaos.”
Everyone Else Told to Shut Up
When non-MAGA Americans started wondering aloud if bombing Iran the same weekend as a domestic assassination attempt seemed suspicious, they were met with swift pushback. “You sound like a truther,” said one MSNBC anchor before cutting to a Lockheed Martin ad. As of press time, MAGA has trademarked the phrases “Just Asking Questions,” “Deep State Energy,” and “Weird Timing, Huh?”
Quote of the moment
We’re not saying it’s a conspiracy, but if it is, it’s ours.
PatriotSharp69, Truth Social user and part-time ammo influencer
