MAGA Influencers Accuse Juneteenth of Grooming the Calendar

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Right-wing influencers claim Juneteenth is “radicalizing” summer and confusing patriotic holidays
Some MAGA figures want Juneteenth relocated to February “where it can’t bother July 4”
Trump proposes alternative: “1776 Freedompalooza” with fireworks and selective history

Conservatives Say the Calendar Is Under Siege

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Several MAGA-aligned influencers spent Juneteenth warning their followers that the holiday is not just a date, but a Trojan horse designed to “groom” the American calendar into liberal submission. One X user with a bald eagle avatar wrote, “We didn’t free the colonies just to have June kidnapped by woke communism.”

“It started with Pride Month,” said BlazeTV host Brock Liberty. “Now it’s Juneteenth. If we’re not careful, Arbor Day might identify as Nationalized Health Care.”

Calls to Move Juneteenth “Away from July”

Several right-wing state lawmakers are proposing to move Juneteenth to February. “That’s when we usually think about Black history,” said Rep. Clay Harbuckle of Mississippi. “It’s not racism. It’s just spatial management.”

Others have suggested replacing it entirely with “Founding Father February,” a month-long celebration of powdered wigs, wooden teeth, and willful historical omissions.

Trump Suggests ‘1776 Day’ to Reclaim June

At a rally held in front of a giant inflatable bald eagle, President Donald Trump declared, “Juneteenth is too political. I made it a holiday, but I didn’t say it could compete with me.”

He then unveiled his replacement plan: 1776 Day, a celebration of “the real independence,” featuring grilled meats, Toby Keith, and zero uncomfortable truths. “Freedom should be fun, not educational,” Trump explained.

Historians Exhausted, Still Employed

Exasperated historians tried to explain that Juneteenth marks the delayed enforcement of emancipation in Texas. “We literally just want people to learn things,” said Dr. Maya Hart of American University. “No one’s trying to indoctrinate your wall calendar.”

Still, MAGA pundits warn that Juneteenth may soon demand its own aisle at Hobby Lobby. “Today it’s emancipation,” one said. “Tomorrow it’s replacing Labor Day with Reparations Monday.”