NEED TO KNOW
- Fed Chair Powell last seen wedged behind a mop bucket whispering “he’s still out there”
- Trump pacing hallways holding a steak knife, muttering “cut rates or I’ll cut something”
- Janet Yellen pretending to be a ficus to avoid being named Acting Fed Chair
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Chaos unfolded at the Federal Reserve today as sources confirmed Chair Jerome Powell was hiding in a utility closet after President Trump showed up unannounced, brandishing a steak knife and demanding a rate cut “the size of Melania’s prenup clause.”
Witnesses said Trump arrived wearing a hard hat and shouting, “Where’s the guy with the money faucet?” before pushing past a stunned security intern who assumed the visit was part of a badly timed field trip. Inside, Trump reportedly wandered the halls poking at thermostats and knocking on doors labeled “Monetary Policy” until Powell fled into the janitor’s closet with a printout of CPI data.
“Look, all I want is negative Interest Rates and maybe a piña colada,” Trump said, pointing the steak knife at a framed photo of Paul Volcker. “But if Powell wants to act tough, I can be very persuasive. Just ask NATO. Or Don Jr.”
Secret Service declined to intervene, citing confusion over jurisdiction. Meanwhile, Mike Johnson attempted to distract Trump by holding up a coloring book titled *“How Inflation Works”* with pictures of gas stations and angry suburban moms.
At press time, Powell was still in the closet and had texted Janet Yellen a single word: “Help.”
Quote of the moment
The closet’s starting to feel like 2008 again
Jerome Powell, whispering from between bleach jugs
