NEED TO KNOW
- Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth rallies troops with motivational sermon as shutdown nears
- Promises “creatine and Christ” will keep Pentagon operational
- Trump expected to follow with story about Andrew Jackson and unpaid interns
Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth delivered a fiery address Friday night to gathered military leaders, urging them to “stay mission-focused” even as the federal government prepared to shut down at midnight. Speaking before a backdrop of American flags, Hegseth promised that “patriotism and protein shakes” would keep the Pentagon running, even if Congress couldn’t.
“This is not a time for fear, this is a time for fortitude,” Hegseth declared. “We don’t need paychecks to defend freedom, we need grit, creatine, and God.” Several generals nodded in silence, unsure if they were attending a military briefing or an early morning CrossFit sermon.
According to aides, Hegseth called the meeting himself after hearing rumors that the Department of Defense might have to pause “essential operations” such as “recruitment TikToks” and “motivational pushup challenges.” He dismissed those reports as defeatist, insisting soldiers could “live off the land and liberty” if necessary.
President Donald Trump is expected to follow Hegseth’s remarks with what insiders describe as “a rousing story about Andrew Jackson and a guy who once paid him in horses.” Sources say Trump will reassure troops that “shutdowns are good” because “you can’t waste money if there’s no money.”
Faith, Flags, and Fiscal Failure
Hegseth also outlined contingency plans for a “God-powered defense strategy,” which reportedly includes prayer circles around nuclear silos and assigning Marines to guard Chick-fil-A franchises. “We’ll keep America safe, even if we have to barter with freedom fries,” he said, drawing mild applause and one audible sigh from a logistics officer worried about rationing fuel.
As midnight loomed, reporters asked Hegseth how the Pentagon would function without funding. “We’ve got American muscle and divine purpose,” he said. “If Washington wants to go dark, we’ll just light torches and march anyway.”
Despite the chaos, Hegseth struck an optimistic tone, promising the armed forces would remain “lean, mean, and spiritually clean” through the crisis. “A Government Shutdown doesn’t scare us,” he added. “You can’t close freedom.”
We’re running on faith and pre-workout, which is more than Congress can say
Lt. Col. Randy Steelman, Department of Motivational Readiness
