NEED TO KNOW
- Each American will receive $600 to offset the $1,300 they lost buying eggs at “Patriot Prices”
- The checks are funded by a magical cycle known as “screwing you twice with a flag on it”
- Recipients must agree to call it a Trump check, even though it’s technically just tax money rerouted from tariffs
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senator Josh Hawley introduced a bill this week offering Americans a fresh dose of Trump-era magic: $600 rebate checks, courtesy of tariffs, nationalism, and economic confusion dressed as populism.
“Think of it as socialism, but patriotic,” Hawley told reporters while pointing to a chart labeled “Guts, Glory, Tariffs.” The rebates would come from Trump’s $2.5 trillion tariff revenue projections, though critics noted the average American household will actually pay more in inflated prices than they’ll get back.
The rebate is structured like a tax credit, but that hasn’t stopped MAGA voters from demanding their checks now. Some have called on the Treasury to deliver the money in “silver bars with Trump’s face” or “Freedom Bucks” that can be spent exclusively at Bass Pro Shops.
Meanwhile, Speaker Mike Johnson dismissed the plan, saying Congress should refocus on Elon Musk’s DOGE Dividend proposal, which collapsed when Musk left the administration and the Department of Government Efficiency turned out to be three interns and a whiteboard that just read “FIRE EVERYONE?”
Hawley remains optimistic. “If it worked during COVID, it’ll work now,” he said. “Back then, we gave people cash and they bought boats. This time, they’ll buy American boots to wear on their boats.”
Some Americans welcomed the proposal but asked if it could also apply to unpaid OnlyFans subscriptions or AR-15 layaway plans.
If passed, the first checks are expected to arrive sometime between Trump’s next indictment and the launch of Truth Social’s new dating app, “Right Swipe.”
It’s not clear if this will help inflation, the working class, or reality itself, but one voter summed it up: “I don’t understand tariffs, but I sure like free money.”
Quote of the moment
If I wanted math, I wouldn’t vote Republican
Delroy Rudd, Missouri Freedom Boat Owner
