NEED TO KNOW
- Senators say they’re close to reopening the government, once the blame game ends.
- Republicans call the standoff “a shared victory in finger-pointing.”
- Shutdown likely to end after both sides refresh their poll numbers one more time.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After thirty long days of closed offices and missed paychecks, the Senate announced it is finally ready to reopen the government. There’s just one condition: everyone must agree on who to blame first.
Inside sources said the bipartisan talks have intensified, mostly from senators yelling at each other through microphones. The plan, unofficially titled “Operation Definitely Their Fault,” has united both parties around a single goal—avoiding responsibility.
Compromise Means Never Having to Say You’re Sorry
Senate Majority Leader John Thune told reporters a deal is close. “Democrats claim they’ve won the moral argument. We’ve won the fiscal one,” he said. “Now we just need to figure out why that required shutting down the country for a month.”
Several senators met Thursday to define what “winning” meant. The meeting ended early when someone mentioned happy hour. Meanwhile, federal workers searched “how long oatmeal lasts” from unpaid government laptops.
Shutdown Fatigue Reaches Gym-Bro Levels
“It’s not fatigue, it’s endurance,” said Sen. Lisa Murkowski, sipping cold coffee. “You try pretending to care about TSA lines for a month. It’s political cardio.”
Democrats insisted the shutdown proved Republicans are heartless. Republicans said it proved Democrats are reckless. Independent senators confirmed both are right. “At least dysfunction is bipartisan,” one staffer added, before checking LinkedIn for new openings.
One unnamed senator compared the process to “group therapy with microphones.” Others agreed but said at least therapy has snacks, unlike the still-closed Senate cafeteria.
Road to Reopening Still Blocked by Ego Traffic
According to insiders, the Senate’s off-ramp plan now includes forming another bipartisan committee. Its job is to find new reasons to delay progress. Early drafts list goals such as “create new task force” and “blame the weather.”
“Americans deserve a functioning government,” Thune said. “We’ll deliver that right after we finish explaining why this isn’t our fault.”
Both parties plan to reconvene Monday, assuming they can find a room not booked by someone filming a campaign ad about unity. Until then, citizens are advised to remain patient—or at least as patient as Congress pretending to govern.
“We’ve reached the part of democracy where accountability is still on furlough,” said analyst Tim Ralston from the Center for Legislative Drama.
We could end this shutdown tomorrow if anyone here could admit to being human.
Tim Ralston, Center for Legislative Drama
