NEED TO KNOW
- Giuliani to receive highest civilian honor despite fractured spine and fractured career.
- Trump calls him “the best patriot, except for maybe Babe Ruth and myself.”
- Past awards included Rush Limbaugh, Tiger Woods, and now a man who sweats ink.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump announced that Rudy Giuliani will receive the Presidential Medal of Freedom, declaring the former mayor “an American legend, a friend, and the only man who can sweat printer ink under oath.”
The announcement comes just days after Giuliani was injured in a car crash in New Hampshire, an incident Trump described as “very heroic, maybe the most heroic crash ever.” Trump emphasized that Giuliani had been “America’s mayor” during 9/11, “America’s lawyer” during the Four Seasons Total Landscaping press conference, and “America’s reclining gentleman” in the Borat hotel room incident.
Freedom Medal for a Man of Flexible Morals
Trump said Giuliani exemplified the American spirit: “Nobody falls harder, fights dirtier, or files more frivolous lawsuits than Rudy. Some say he lost every case, but I say he won the right to keep talking.” The President compared him to Rush Limbaugh and Tiger Woods, previous honorees, but clarified that Giuliani was “the only one willing to work pro bono until disbarred.”
Giuliani’s allies praised the announcement, claiming the medal would “balance out” the legal fees he owes. Supporters also noted that his spinal brace now doubles as “symbolic armor against woke prosecutors.”
Legacy of Sweat and Loyalty
Critics argue the award devalues its meaning, pointing out that Giuliani faces multiple indictments and is barred from practicing law. Trump brushed aside these concerns: “They gave Spielberg one, they gave Denzel one, and now Rudy gets one. Fair trade.”
Rudy taught us that freedom means never admitting the affidavit was fake.
Janice Kreplach, National Association of Dubious Patriots
Inside sources confirmed the medal ceremony may include a “dramatic reenactment” of Giuliani sweating hair dye while reading the Declaration of Independence in its entirety. Attendees are advised to bring ponchos.
Despite fractured vertebrae, Giuliani insists he is “standing tall for America,” though his doctors politely disagreed. The medal is expected to be delivered directly to his hospital bed, along with a lifetime supply of Sharpies for signing irrelevant legal briefs.
