NEED TO KNOW
- Conservative group holds “Freedom March” to protest Pride Month — while holding signs that say “Freedom Isn’t for Everyone.”
- Attendees express outrage that corporations are “pandering,” yet also demand Cracker Barrel release a camo-themed rainbow menu.
- The event concluded with a confusing chant: “My Rights, Not Yours!” which reportedly echoed for 3 blocks before collapsing in on itself.
Pride Month Sparks Annual Freedom Crisis
June has arrived, and with it, the annual existential meltdown among self-described patriots who believe in liberty for all — unless you’re LGBTQ+, a book, a pronoun, or a rainbow crosswalk. Dozens gathered this weekend for a hastily organized event titled the “Freedom From Your Freedom Rally,” held ironically at Liberty Park.
Red, White, and You Better Be Straight
Participants wore star-spangled flags fashioned into capes, demanding the government keep Pride out of June, insisting it’s a sacred time for celebrating traditional American values like fireworks, repressed emotions, and yelling at cashiers for saying “Happy Pride.”
“It’s not that I hate Pride,” said rally organizer Bo Grisham, as he angrily spray-painted over a Target window display. “It’s just… why do they need a whole month when we already have Memorial Day, Flag Day, and 4th of July? That’s practically three months for straight people!”
“We Just Want Equality to Feel Unequal Again”
Despite multiple chants about freedom, protesters had difficulty articulating exactly what was being taken from them. One attendee, decked out in a tank top reading “Land of the Free (Terms & Conditions Apply),” admitted he wasn’t sure what Pride actually celebrated. “Is it… like when my wife makes me clean the house and then acts proud?” he mused.
Several signs at the event read “Don’t Groom My Kids,” directly in front of a Chick-fil-A stand giving out chicken minis shaped like tiny drag queens.
Cracker Barrel, NASCAR, and the Great Betrayal
Adding fuel to the freedom fire, companies like Cracker Barrel and NASCAR issued supportive Pride messages — triggering a wave of boycotts and Instagram stories captioned “We’ve lost America.” Protesters now demand a “straight menu” at Cracker Barrel, despite the fact that chicken fried steak is already aggressively heterosexual.
“If we don’t stop this now,” said one man outside a Bed Bath & Beyond, “soon the towels will identify as washcloths, and I’m not ready for that kind of confusion.”
Patriot Paradox: The Sequel
While the rally concluded peacefully, it ended with a peculiar request: to hold next year’s event during “a less colorful month,” such as February or March. Organizers are now lobbying for “Hetero History Month,” which will honor great Americans like George Washington, Ronald Reagan, and whoever invented Axe body spray.
Quote of the Moment
If freedom means letting other people be free too, then what’s even the point
Gary “Freedom” Trunston, rally speaker
