The staunchly conservative members of the Freedom Caucus have issued a call for a nationwide boycott of calendars in protest against the upcoming June Pride Month. Citing concerns about the “assault on straight timekeeping,” the Caucus argues that displaying Pride Month on calendars undermines the sanctity of traditional dates and events.
Led by Representative Righteous McConservatron, the Caucus held a press conference at their self-proclaimed “Straight Watch Headquarters” to announce the boycott. McConservatron, flanked by his fellow Caucus members, stood firm as he addressed the gathered media.
“Enough is enough!” declared McConservatron with an air of righteous indignation. “We cannot allow this outrageous agenda to infiltrate our sacred timekeeping systems. Our calendars should be reserved for significant events like National Doughnut Day, Tax Filing Deadlines, and the birthday of Ronald Reagan. We won’t stand idly by while Pride Month tries to rewrite the very fabric of our calendars!”
The Caucus contends that adding Pride Month to calendars amounts to a direct attack on traditional scheduling, causing confusion among everyday Americans who rely on dates to keep their lives organized.
Representative Sally Straightlaced, another member of the Caucus, expressed her concerns about the implications of Pride Month on society. “It’s bad enough that we have to deal with Daylight Saving Time and leap years, but now they want to add another layer of complexity to our calendars? It’s an affront to the precision and reliability of straight timekeeping.”
The Caucus, true to their conservative principles, expressed their support for alternative calendars that adhere strictly to traditional events, eschewing any recognition of Pride Month or other LGBTQ+ celebrations. They proposed the “Straight and Proud Calendar” as a suitable alternative, featuring dates such as ‘National Heteronormativity Day’ and ‘Straight Pride Parade Planning Meeting.’
Naturally, the response to the Freedom Caucus’s call for a calendar boycott has been met with a mix of bewilderment and amusement from the wider public. Social media platforms have been flooded with memes and sarcastic comments poking fun at the Caucus’s unusual stance.
One Twitter user wrote, “I never knew that calendars could be so threatening! Maybe we should add an extra day to June just to really trigger them.” Another user quipped, “The Freedom Caucus must have a lot of free time on their hands if they’re this concerned about calendars. Maybe they should focus on more pressing issues?”
As June approaches, it remains to be seen how successful the boycott will be or if the wider public will take the Freedom Caucus’s call seriously. Nevertheless, their unconventional attempt to combat Pride Month through the medium of calendars has certainly left many scratching their heads, wondering how such an innocent tool of organization became a target in the culture wars.
