NEED TO KNOW
- FEMA’s new chief left staff stunned after admitting he was unaware hurricanes have a season.
- Sources say confusion at FEMA is now officially recognized as a natural disaster by NOAA.
- President Trump insists hurricanes “should just come one at a time, like on The Weather Channel.”
Hurricane Season: Now With 100% More Confusion
The Federal Emergency Management Agency, known for disaster response and the occasional employee bake sale, has entered a new era of uncertainty. At an all-hands briefing Monday, recently appointed FEMA chief David Richardson shocked staff by admitting he didn’t realize the United States had a hurricane season. Several FEMA employees spent the rest of the call quietly Googling “how to apply for Canadian citizenship.”
Disaster Prep, Just Not for Hurricanes
Richardson, who previously worked at the DHS office for countering weapons of mass destruction, promised FEMA would stick with its existing disaster plan. That plan, staff noted, mostly involves watching reruns of “Twister” and updating LinkedIn profiles. When pressed for specifics, Richardson assured staff, “We’re agile. We’ll just wing it. The FEMA way.”
Leadership With a Forecast of Chaos
Staff confusion grew after Richardson cited his “extensive” experience as a Marine artillery officer. “Hurricanes, artillery, same difference,” he told employees, as if storm surges could be shelled into submission. Morale dropped further when he revealed he would continue running his old office at DHS on the side, because who doesn’t love a good side hustle in disaster response?
FEMA Shrinking, Strategy Sinking
With 2,000 staff gone since President Trump returned, FEMA’s new motto is, “Fewer People, Fewer Problems, Fingers Crossed.” One insider said, “We now have more acronyms than employees.” Meanwhile, the agency’s top disaster response measure for the year involves sending hurricanes polite emails asking them to “please avoid major cities.”
Public Confidence: Cloudy With a Chance of Resignation
As the public watches hurricane forecasts with increasing anxiety, FEMA is working to reassure Americans that someone, somewhere, will eventually look up what to do in an emergency. Critics worry that Richardson’s approach might leave the agency less prepared than a tourist in flip-flops during a Cat 4 landfall. In related news, the agency’s new hurricane mascot, “Clueless Carl,” has already been swept out to sea.
Quote of the Moment
If you don’t know what or when hurricane season is, you’re not qualified to run FEMA
Rep. Bennie Thompson
