Detroit, MI – Rap artist Eminem has served entrepreneur Vivek Ramaswamy with a cease-and-desist letter. But this isn’t your typical copyright dispute: Eminem claims that the only reason for the legal action is Ramaswamy’s “egregious lack of flow.”
The cease-and-desist letter reads, in part: “Your recent attempt to rap has been reviewed by a committee of one – Eminem. Your skills have been found wanting. Please refrain from rapping immediately, to avoid further auditory harm to the general public.”
Ramaswamy, who tried to spice up his entrepreneurial ventures by rapping, said he was flattered by the personal attention but disappointed that his flows were being silenced.
“Eminem himself thinks I’m a bad rapper? I’ve peaked,” Ramaswamy said. “But seriously, what happened to freedom of speech… or freedom of screech, as it may be?”
Eminem’s lawyer, Sue Yermom, held a press conference to clarify the situation: “We’re not saying Mr. Ramaswamy can’t speak. We’re saying he can’t rap. There’s a difference. One is protected under the First Amendment, the other is a crime against humanity—or at least against the community of music enthusiasts.”
Music critics have joined the fray, debating whether a ‘bad rap’ clause could set a dangerous precedent for the genre.
“Think about it,” said renowned critic Rhyme N. Reason. “If bad rapping becomes illegal, half of SoundCloud would be in jail!”
Meanwhile, music schools around the country are reportedly adding new courses like “Introduction to Not Being Sued by Eminem” and “How to Rap Without Attracting Litigation.”
In response, teens across social media have started the hashtag #LetVivekRapBadly, where they post their own intentionally terrible rap verses in solidarity.
“We believe everyone has the right to rap badly,” tweeted one teen. “In fact, some of us are planning on making a career out of it.”
Eminem himself has yet to publicly comment, but inside sources suggest he’s hard at work in the studio, recording a new track tentatively titled “Cease and Diss.”
