NEED TO KNOW
Elon Musk Declares Total War on Washington
Musk has had enough. In a viral post, the world’s richest supervillain—sorry, entrepreneur—called for the mass firing of every politician who “betrayed the American people.” But unlike previous billionaires, Musk isn’t just talking about voting. He’s already tweeted plans to “smite the swamp” using an army of Tesla Bots and a constellation of Starlink satellites ready to vaporize legislative gridlock. Rumor has it, C-SPAN ratings will double the moment the first congressman is chased through the Capitol by a Model Y.
Politicians Panic, Call for Help (from Alexa)
Congressional leaders immediately contacted their smart speakers, hoping Alexa could explain how to dodge a precision satellite strike. “Does Musk really have that button?” whispered one senator while updating their privacy settings. Meanwhile, Elon teased a new SpaceX subscription plan: “Upgrade to PRO to avoid orbital discipline.”
The Rise of National Tesla Bot Day
With November now unofficially “National Fire a Politician Day,” D.C. area gyms report a surge in treadmill signups as lawmakers train to outrun autonomous vehicles and robot dogs. Some representatives have already offered to switch sides if Musk will only let them test-drive Cybertrucks. Congressional staffers have started carrying umbrellas—just in case a Starlink “malfunction” targets the rotunda.
Resistance Is Futile
One bold lawmaker posted, “We welcome Mr. Musk’s challenge. He’ll never take us alive!” Hours later, their X account posted a cryptic message: “Sent from Starlink… somewhere near the asteroid belt.” Political consultants now suggest prepping for 2026 by learning to say “I, for one, welcome our new robot overlords.”
Quote of the Moment
If Musk unleashes the Tesla Bots, I just hope they vote
Congressional staffer, prepping for doomsday
