NEED TO KNOW
- Elon Musk demands Senate “KILL THE BILL,” but lawmakers hand him a craft table instead.
- Senators propose a new rule: Only billionaires with completed coloring pages may offer budget advice.
- Capitol custodians preparing for another “Musk glue stick incident.”
Elon’s Big Feelings
Capitol Hill’s most excitable billionaire is back in the headlines. Elon Musk took to X, formerly Twitter, unleashing a stream of memes and capital letters demanding the Senate “KILL THE BILL.” Lawmakers responded with a mixture of confusion and “bless his heart” energy, with Senator John Thune recommending a nap and some apple slices for the tech mogul.
Senate Unveils the Craft Table Compromise
In a gesture of bipartisan support for free speech, Senate leadership announced the creation of a “Billionaire Craft Zone” just outside the Senate chamber. Musk was spotted Monday with his shoes off, scribbling on a large budget bill outline with purple crayon while staffers supplied him with stickers for “good effort.” Senator Kevin Cramer explained, “We value citizen participation, but we draw the line at meme-based policy proposals. Unless they’re in crayon. That’s just adorable.”
Stickers for Participation, Not Legislation
Musk, whose calls to “KILL THE BILL” briefly trended, was awarded a gold star sticker for his “enthusiasm” after he promised not to launch the bill into space—at least not this week. Meanwhile, senators reminded him the budget would not be decided by meme wars or late-night polls on X. “We’ll read your tweets next time, buddy,” Senator Mike Lee assured Musk, though he admitted he doesn’t actually have the X app installed.
Congress Looks to the Future
With the “One Big Beautiful Bill” still looming, lawmakers remain determined to keep budget decisions off the craft table and out of the sticker book. Rumors swirl that the next time Musk arrives, he’ll bring a diorama of the national debt made from Play-Doh. Capitol custodians have already requested overtime.
Quote of the Moment
We value citizen participation, but we draw the line at meme-based policy proposals. Unless they’re in crayon. That’s just adorable.
Senator Kevin Cramer
