NEED TO KNOW
- Elon Musk and President Trump held a farewell press conference for the now-defunct DOGE initiative.
- While claiming DOGE was meant to save taxpayer money, they also discussed adding gold accents to the Oval Office.
- Musk praised DOGE’s efficiency beneath a chandelier allegedly more valuable than Vermont’s GDP.
SpaceX Declares Victory, Despite Total Loss
Elon Musk and Donald Trump appeared in the White House press room Wednesday to announce the end of the DOGE initiative, an effort originally meant to save the “citizens” money. Within minutes, the conversation spiraled into whether the Oval Office should include gold trim or full gilding.
“Just tasteful gold, not gaudy,” said Trump, pointing to a mockup where the Resolute Desk appeared to be forged entirely from Rolex bands. “People like gold. It’s clean, classy. Frankly, it’s what the Founders would’ve wanted.”
Fiscal Prudence With Just a Splash of Versailles
As Musk spoke solemnly about DOGE’s noble demise, press attendees couldn’t help but notice the budget-saving icon wore diamond-encrusted cufflinks and stood beneath a crystal chandelier rumored to cost more than FEMA’s annual budget. “Efficiency is key,” he noted, adjusting his tie made of Teslacoin blockchain receipts.
While DOGE was designed to streamline government costs by eliminating departments deemed “non-vibey,” such as Ethics and Math, its dissolution appeared to free up funds for more decorative pursuits. “We’re looking into gold-accented air ducts,” Trump added, “so the freedom literally flows better.”
Goodbye DOGE, Hello Decorative Spending
Musk claimed that DOGE had done its job, citing a 12% drop in fiscal oversight. “We removed red tape. We replaced it with holograms of me saying ‘spend wisely,’” he said. When asked how citizens would benefit from this, he pointed to a velvet-covered pie chart no one could read.
“This was never about cuts,” Trump clarified. “This was about smart spending — like gold-plated drapes. You want morale? Put bullion in the curtains.”
Quote of the Moment
DOGE saved America money, which we immediately invested in golden doorknobs and a ceiling mural of me high-fiving Elon
Donald Trump
