Selective outrage – conservatives across the nation have taken to the streets, airwaves, and social media to vehemently protest against student loan forgiveness, all while conveniently looking the other way when it came to PPP (Paycheck Protection Program) loan forgiveness.
The fervor surrounding student loan forgiveness has reached a fever pitch, with conservative pundits passionately decrying the idea as a “handout culture” and an affront to personal responsibility. Protesters have been seen waving signs that read, “Bootstraps, Not Bailouts” and “My Hard-Earned Money Shouldn’t Go to Degrees in Basket Weaving.”
Conservative commentator Mark Rightwingerson issued a fiery tweetstorm, declaring, “Why should I have to pay for someone else’s decision to major in interpretive dance? Let them pay off their loans like the rest of us responsible adults!”
However, when it comes to PPP loan forgiveness – a program that provided financial relief to businesses during the pandemic – the tune changes dramatically. Suddenly, conservatives adopt a more sympathetic tone, as if the free market itself whispered sweet nothings in their ears.
Prominent conservative think tanks have issued statements in favor of PPP loan forgiveness, arguing that it was necessary to prevent economic collapse and preserve jobs. “In times of crisis, government intervention can be justified,” said Professor Fiscal Hawkington, a renowned conservative economist. “Businesses needed a lifeline, and we must protect our job creators.”
Strangely absent from the discourse is any acknowledgment of the parallels between student loan borrowers and struggling businesses. Both groups face financial hardships and uncertainty, but it seems that compassion is a limited resource in conservative circles.
When asked about the seeming inconsistency in their positions, one protester, holding a “No Student Debt Handouts” sign, shrugged and said, “Well, businesses are the backbone of our economy, you know? Students can just pull themselves up by their textbook straps.”
Political analysts speculate that this curious phenomenon could be attributed to a subconscious bias in favor of business interests, or perhaps an eagerness to cater to the powerful corporate lobby. Others simply chalk it up to selective empathy.
As the debate rages on, it’s clear that the landscape of conservative discourse is a treacherous terrain to navigate, where principles are as flexible as a gymnast in a contortionist competition. But fear not, for in this land of contradictions, the only certainty is that satire will never go out of style.
