NEED TO KNOW
- Congress unknowingly passed legislation that eliminates Saturdays and Sundays nationwide
- Bill’s language reclassified “non-productive days” as “un-American pauses in GDP”
- Senators now racing to fix error before it reaches the Supreme Court or Apple Calendar
Weekends Officially Repealed After Bipartisan “Clerical Oopsie”
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In what lawmakers are calling a “very unfortunate pagination accident,” the U.S. Congress has unintentionally passed a law that eliminates weekends across the country. The measure was buried deep within the recently approved 3,200-page Infrastructure Bill titled *The Strong Roads and Productive People Act.*
The clause in question, listed between airport runway funding and a solar-powered Taco Bell pilot program, reads: “All federal recognition of recurring two-day non-work periods is hereby suspended to maximize national output and civic alignment.”
“We thought it was boilerplate economic language,” said Senate Majority Whip Trent Eldridge. “Turns out it literally cancels weekends. Every single one. Indefinitely.”
America Reacts With Confusion, Then Resignation
Following the bill’s passage, Google Calendar auto-synced the change across millions of users. Outrage spread quickly on Monday, which was now technically “Wednesday Prime.”
“My daughter’s softball game was reclassified as a freelance tax seminar,” said Indiana dad Greg Folsom. “I thought it was a glitch, but apparently now I’m supposed to generate invoices during Little League.”
The Department of Labor issued a statement urging Americans to “remain calm, hydrated, and productive.” Meanwhile, the USPS announced a new 7-day delivery schedule called “Relentless Ground.”
Legislative Chaos and Blame Assignment Begin
When asked how such a mistake passed through both chambers, lawmakers offered a range of explanations. Sen. John Kennedy blamed “font size creep,” while Rep. Sylvia Haskins claimed she was “high on printer ink fumes” during markup week.
Sen. Rand Paul, who initially supported the bill, reversed course in a live-streamed filibuster titled “Bring Back Brunch.”
“The Founding Fathers loved freedom, horses, and leisure Saturdays,” Paul shouted while juggling a bagel and a highlighter. “We’ve lost our way!”
Efforts to Restore Weekends Already Underway
The Congressional Weekend Caucus, once purely ceremonial, has now rebranded as the “Freedom to Chill Coalition.” A bipartisan fix is reportedly in the works, although it’s currently stuck in subcommittee due to a rider that also banned soup slurping on federal property.
Until the matter is resolved, Americans are being advised to observe “performative rest” on weekdays using approved corporate break-room meditation techniques and extended bathroom visits.
Quote of the moment
I voted for bridges, not to live in a time loop of Tuesdays
Rep. Hank Coulter, Missouri
